Unraveling the threads of pain from our lineage
The story begins on a beautiful spring day in May 2024. I was helping facilitate a wellness retreat in Rocky View, Alberta. As part of the retreat experience some of the ladies had planned for a psychic medium to come and entertain us for the afternoon. We all huddled around and listened as this beautiful highly empathic soul connected us to information of our loved ones from beyond the veil.
She would describe scenarios as they came to her, and it was on us to recognize when the message was for us and then we would have a discussion. I did not want to hear the message. And when my time came, I was very hesitant. Finally, when the psychic doubled over in pain and explained that it was coming from her tummy - there was no denying, my message had come.
The message from my mother was this: She is so proud of me. She is so sorry that she did not provide me with love that I needed. She is so sorry she never did any work to heal and that she thought she was invincible. Ok, first, I was not even aware that this was the relationship dynamic I had with my mom. My mom died when I was 15. That event spurred my life into many dark places but wait…perhaps I was already on that path long before her death.
Having that conversation with the psychic was like bringing what was hidden in my subconscious finally into the conscious realm to be processed. I knew in my heart that everything she was saying was true. And it became so blatantly obvious that my mother was a wounded soul and she, like many others had sewn her wounds into me. The flashbacks began to surface. That look of disapproval on her face as she stood at the door watching me do gymnastics, that time she looked down on me with disgust as I flailed my legs feeling so helpless. Her unmanaged anxiety and cigarette smoke that seeped into me.
I love my mom.
But this is the truth of what happened, and it shaped who I am. As a pre-teen and teenager, I was wild. Looking for love wherever I could get it, smoking cigarettes, drinking, smoking god only knows what. Eventually my life took a turn for the worst while coping with my mom's death at the age of 18 I turned to meth. I am clean now, don’t worry. Have been since 2004.
See I had always thought I was damaged goods. Just wild for no reason. I know now that there was a reason. And I can forgive myself.
The psychic also relayed to me that my mom is so happy I have done the work to forgive her. And, I guess I have by fiercely loving myself and refusing to give up. I did not know why I was so hurt I just knew I was.
I found that yoga, and self-care, and spirituality, and journaling and accountability helped. Staying on autopilot and pretending I was not in pain did not. I carried my mother wound with me subconsciously allowing it to dictate my life for 41 years. This was the root of my pain and suffering...
...The lineage of my mother’s pain and it ends with me.
It is my Intention that you, the reader, finds strength and the courage in my words that will guide you through to freedom and forgiveness that will set your heart aflame and clear this wound from your bloodline for yourself and for all future generations to come. And so it is.
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