Schedules

What is it called when you are creating but have zero guarantees on the fruits of your labour - is it work, is it love…am I simply a bit crazy…time shall tell.  

I take some comfort in the fact that I have always been a competent gardener.

I have made sure to wake up at 6:30 am every day since leaving the law firm.  Why? Because I was told that I needed to keep a schedule, and I thought that “having a schedule” meant that I needed to stay busy to be productive.

But I have been “working” from 8am till 10pm at night - and I use “working” in quotation marks because I am not even sure that’s what this is…no one is telling me I have to do anything, and yet  I show up each day pouring forth from my heart.  

I see now, I was being told to “keep a schedule” not so that I would stay productive, but so I would know when the output ended and “just being” began.  

I used to race home from my 9-5 and quickly change roles getting ready for clients, or get my posts ready, or do an entire laundry list of things one does to keep a side hustle afloat.

Now I do those things all day, and all night apparently…

This is the messy in-between.  There is no real start and no real stop.  A blending of excitement of work and love and passion.  When the momentum has to be rekindled again and again, and new states of awareness and beingness begin to take shape from within.

Today I woke up and I told myself that “every moment matters”. I reminded myself that I did not leave corporate to superimpose a false sense of urgency onto my existence.  To rush through the activities and tasks which truly support me (morning coffee, yoga, kitties), so that I could get on to being “productive”!

Productive in whose opinion?  The world of chaos I left to save my sanity?  The world that trades dollars for time and value for output.  The world that knows nothing of the human spirit except for commodification.  

25 years of indoctrination does not just fall away overnight.  It takes time.  

Today, I decided to do something different.

Today I woke up at 7:30, I had coffee and fed the cats.  I did yoga and tried to stay present.  I tried not to push on and push forward simply because I have been brainwashed into believing that I am of more value doing anything else other than sitting right here on my yoga mat. 

Just being.  

It was not easy.  

As I watched the sun rise in the sky, my heart beat quickened as my inner programming screamed “YOU SHOULD BE DOING MORE!!!!!”

When I left my mat this morning,  I was greeted with three bookings.  Three bookings and an undeniable sense of gratitude.

And don’t get me wrong, I know this is the fruits of previous labor coming to bear.  And despite the urge to run away to a cave and live out my life in solitude and meditation, I will persist.  I will continue to sow seeds and till the soil.  

But for crying out loud, I need to learn to rest.

There is time for work and there is time for being.   

Every moment truly does matter.  The small in between ones just might matter the most.  

Each moment leads to the next and the next and so on forever and ever.  How you feel in this moment will create what you experience in the next moment.  

How important it truly is to be just as you are right here right now.